Penny, always so sensible and law-abiding, was careening down the highway at top speed—traffic cameras be damned. Her husband occupied the back seat, thrashing around like a rabid dog. He made ugly, moaning sounds through the gag she’d tied around his head.
She took the third exit and went down the off-ramp. Coming up on her right was the rehab building. The staff, alerted to their arrival, had the cage wheeled out to the entrance. Penny turned around in her seat and saw that in the space of the fifteen-minute drive, the man she loved was even more hideous than when she’d lugged him into the car, green and mean, a goddamn zombie.
“You’re going to be okay, Fred!” She didn’t know if this was actually true, or if he could understand her. He certainly didn’t act like it.
One orderly wheeled the stricken man into the corridor while the other, who was carrying a tablet, asked questions. Penny followed them.
“How long has he been like this?” “Not long, less than an hour.” “Did you see him turn?” “No! We were in the living room watching The Price Is Right, when he suddenly leaped up off the sofa and tried to bite me!” “And did he?” “Bite me? Hell no! I hit him on the head with the ashtray and he fell backwards. It gave me enough time to run out to the garage, where I got his hunting rifle and some rope!” “That was quick thinking!” said the orderly pushing the heavy cage. “What happened next, Mrs...” “Longman, Penny. Well, he came looking for me, and I can tell you that was creepy! He was sniffing the air like an animal. I snuck up behind him with the rope, which I’d fashioned into a lasso, and I hog-tied him, you know? I grew up on a pig farm.” “I see. Well, you can take a seat over—” “What I want to know is where's the government in all this? There are hundreds these unfortunate people all over the county!” The orderly mentally corrected her statement to 'millions' and ‘world’ and said, “I’m going to let our medical staff answer all your questions, Mrs. Longman. You’ve been really brave. Good luck to you.” They were coming to the end of the corridor and the swinging double doors that led to the examination rooms. They gave Fred’s gurney a little push and rushed back out to the parking lot where another victim was arriving. A doctor approached in the same hybrid protective gear. He wore a helmet with a lucite facemask, knee and arm protectors under his biohazard suit. Two other medical personnel wheeled Fred into a cubicle, and the doctor lifted the visor on his helmet, holding his hand out to Penny.
“Mrs. Longman, I’m Doctor Maddock, head of research here at the Zombie Rehabilitation Center.” Penny brushed a cigarette butt out of the fold in her shirt and held out her shaky hand. “Oh, Doctor Maddock, what’s going on? I don’t understand why this is happening to us! We’ve been sheltering-in-place since this zombie thing started!”
Fred was banging himself silly against the cage.
“We’re doing everything we can to find the cause, Mrs. Longman. You know it could be a multitude of things: viral outbreak, hazardous industrial materials or toxic waste, even–God forbid–scientific experiments gone wrong. We can’t rule out anything.”
“It could be 5g electroradiation or genetic pollution from GMOs... or a new bioweapon for the deep state!”
The doctor shot her a dubious look and went back to his tablet. Penny knew instantly that she’d said the wrong thing.
“Your husband is in good hands, Mrs. Longman. We've had some real breakthroughs in the reversal of zombie syndrome. My own wife has undergone the treatment, and she doesn't limp or drool anymore. She even remembers my name!" Penny looked crestfallen. Then he rushed away, and another attendant ushered Penny back into the corridor.
“You can go home now, Mrs. Longman. We’ll call you if there are any developments.”
She drove home, shocked at how quickly her life had turned into dog poo. What made her thing of this was that the car was filled with the unmistakable odor. She looked at the bottom of her shoe, and through her tears, yelled, “Fuck!”
Penny then did what any distraught woman of her ilk would do. As soon as she pulled into the driveway, she went into a super cleaning binge. Starting with the shoe, then the inside of the car, then the outside of the car, and she had just started vacuuming the garage when she heard a thump and looked up. It was her neighbor, Ann.
"Hey, Annie, help me with these boxes, will you? Annie? What's wrong with you?" The woman was dirty and barefoot, and seemed to have been huffing rubber cement again. "Annie! Goddammit! What have I been sponsoring you for?" When the woman didn't say anything or stop approaching, Penny realized it was not rubber cement dripping from her chin, and when the song, “Don’t Fear The Reaper” came on the car stereo, Penny started screaming. She ran into the house and locked the garage door.
Rather than listen to police reports about the end of the world, she put on her rubber gloves with a snap and went for the pine cleaner. The cat following her from one task to another, and especially in the bathroom, where it perched on the toilet, while Penny, on hands and knees, scrubbed the tile with such gusto, she didn’t notice that the it had knocked over Fred’s toothpaste with its paw and was licking it. When it had had enough, the cat licked its chops and went down the stairs.
Penny was throwing out the third sponge when she heard low gurgling moans coming from down below. She went to investigate and found the cat splayed on the kitchen floor in a very unnatural position.
“Cider?” She bent over and lowered her head to the cat’s level, which she instantly regretted as toothpaste vomit splattered all over her blouse and pants.
“UGH!” she yelled.
Framed by the open basement door and even backlit by the kitchen light, she could tell something was very, very wrong. Then the cat leaped down the stairs and attacked her. Guttural cat sounds mixed with human screams. She got the cat by the throat and back legs. It made her swing wildly from side to side, but she held on tight, looking for something to trap the cat inside of. There was a Hello Kitty backpack hanging from a nail in the garage which she had to unzip with one hand and her toes, while the cat almost got free.
"Oh my god, I almost lost an eye!"
The zipped up backpack was morphing violently. Peggy drove like a maniac checking over her shoulder at the thing on the backseat. She made it back to the ZRC in record time. In her pocket was Fred’s toothpaste, which she never used because the transparent gel ones made her retch.
Penny couldn’t wait to tell Doctor Maddock about her discovery. She was excited to think that she might even be on the nightly national news, explaining how Fred’s toothpaste had turned a feline. If only she could get Dr. Maddock to listen to her long enough to show him the cat. She pulled into the parking lot and saw him and the two orderlies staggering around, looking for people to bite. The doctor had taken off his helmet.
The cat, tied up in the Hello Kitty backpack, was dead.
“Aw, jeez,” said Penny, and reaching for the shotgun, she put the car in park and left the motor running. With the rope slung over her shoulder, she cocked her rifle and went up through the open entrance.
“Fred, I’m taking you to Atlanta. How do you like that? We’re going to the CDC, you lucky bastard. You’re going to be on the nightly news! Fred?”
Fred might have bitten through the PPE gear of the doctor and every hospital employee on duty, but Maddock's treatment had worked. He emerged from one of the treatment rooms looking and sounding like himself. He straightened his jacket and unmussed his hair. Penny's eyes went wide.
"Fred! Oh my god, you're alright! Well, except for the giant lump on the head. I'm so sorry about that, Fred. It was the toothpaste! That brand! It got the cat!" She took out the tube and read it.
"I mean, just look at this cocktail of carcinogens: Sodium Lauryl Sulphate, ethylene oxide, and sulfur trioxide, and–look at this!–the sinister 4-Dioxane!" "Penny, stop shouting! I'll change brands, I promise! Just...what are we doing right now?"
Zombies Maddock and head orderly burst in.
"Oh! Running for our lives!" He picked up a chair to use like an old-time liontamer. Penny swung the rope off her shoulder. “Not quite, Fred.” She tossed him the keys. “Go start the car. This won’t take long.” ...............................OoO.................................... Next Helium story: Monday 28 Previously: I See Bugs In His Aura Next up: IZI IZEN | One Shot Wednesday
Don't forget to floss...