Welcome to Helium Voices

Our inaugural story kick-off

You hear them don’t you? Those voices in your head pitched a little too much towards three martinis and Bob Spongepants? Or is this somehow missing from your life? Well, we can’t have that, can we? We’re here to supply a little helium to your waning supply!

Today’s story is:

I See Bugs In His Aura

Carol and Hazel were sisters. On Facebook, they posed together with hearts and peace symbols like the BFs they were, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t fight. Carol was a hothead, and Hazel had a mouth. So, flare-ups? This was normal as far back as their public school days.

There was one unfortunate habit no one could train out of them. They acted like two cats, dissatisfied with what each got, and one forever shoving over the other to get at what was in their bowl. It started with the small things Grandma Lally would bring when she came to visit—trinkets, candy, whatever. Their mother scolded them, of course, but that changed nothing. By the time they were in high school, and being the same size in clothes and shoes, they shared everything, and many times took from each other without asking. 

Like boyfriends.

In the seventh grade, Hazel, who was a year younger, wanted to see if she could interest Carol’s steady, an experiment of sorts. She kept it a secret, and Carol never found out. Hazel got solidly hooked on forbidden trysts, but what she didn’t know was that her sister was doing the same thing. 

Blame it on the Tarot. Carol had bought her first deck of cards two years before, inspired by the book Poison Princess. After lighting some incense and consulting her cards, she divined a way to regularly plundered Hazel’s love interests without her ever suspecting. Until the fateful day when they all crossed paths. No one saw it coming, not even the grand mystic, Carol. 

It happened in the bowling alley. Hazel had just thrown a “chicken sandwich”—three spares in a row—and her bowling partner, Carol’s current boyfriend, was getting up to take his turn. She kissed him (with tongue) for good luck. At that moment, Carol and Hazel’s on-again-off-again guy were walking down the aisle looking for their lane, which turned out to be number five, right next to where Hazel was playing. 

All four saw each other, kiss included, and froze for what seemed an eternity. As in a slow-motion camera sequence, the four sets of eyes cycled through all permutations of contact while their lizard brains fired up like nitro-injected funny cars. 

It was the wheel of misfortune spinning round and round, counter teasing the ticks with its excruciatingly slow exactness, landing on RUMBLE. The boyfriends went at each other caveman-style, upsetting jumbo drink cups and creating the kind of spectacle owners hate and customers relish. 

The sisters, who were standing in front of the lane, would have landed up on the floor as well, except that Hazel, the more calculating of the two, didn’t roll that way. Their showdown went down differently.

            “When is this going to stop, Hazel?” Carol’s eyes were pew-pewing.

             “I don’t know what to tell you, Care. It’s uncontrollable. I—”

             “Even if I believed you, it still wouldn’t excuse you because the worst thing is you’re not even sorry!”

A crowd of spectators had formed while the boyfriends thrashed it out near the leatherette sectional. The attendants didn’t really catch on to what was happening. They figured it was just a really exciting game.

            “Carol, think about it: what harm am I actually doing? I mean, you could even see it as a favor I’m doing you.”

            “Oh , right! You are my absolute hero.”

            “Well, yeah, I am. I’m excellent at finding and eradicating parasites.”

            “Oh, funny. Like two monkeys grooming each other up in a tree.”

            “Exaactly!” Hazel ducked as a bowling shoe went sailing over her head.

            “OMG, Hazel, if I listen to any more of your bullshit, I’m going to throw you into the pinsetter!”

            “Come on! He was corruptible! You dump him and live goes on! You notice I’m not upset about you taking mine, right?”

           “BECAUSE YOU CORRUPTED HIM!”

Now the spectators were getting more interested in what was happening downstage.

          “BE LOGICAL, CAROL! THE GUY’S A DICK!”

          “UGH, HAZEL! YOU’RE NOT MAD BECAUSE HE MEANS NOTHING TO YOU! I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU CHOSE HIM! HE’S SO GROSS! I EVEN SEE BUGS IN HIS AURA!” 

          “WHO EVEN KNEW YOU COULD SEE AURAS?!”  

The two boys plus the entire bowling alley, including the attendants, heard this and stopped what they were doing to stare at the two girls. There was the blocky sound of a strike in one of the other lanes. No one moved. Then the two bloodied boyfriends looked at each other.

           “I think I’m feeling tricked off right now,” said Hazel’s boyfriend to Carol’s boyfriend. 
           “You wanna get out of here?”

They helped each other up, and without saying another word, they limped out of the bowling alley together. 

            “Oops,” said Carol.  

            “We don't need them.”

            “But we are horrible, horrible human beings, no?”

            “Let's finish the game. By the way, what was that about bugs in Jimmy’s aura?” 

            “They looked like bedbugs.”

           “Ew, gross! Don’t let me go out with any more dudes like that.”

           “Don’t steal my dates, bitch.” 

Hazel smiled.

           “Deal.”

Reprint from August 20 edition of the Gorko Gazette.